u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
