The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's shark week go big or go home
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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