You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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