Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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