So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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