we have pet lesbian snakes
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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