just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
