I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
