Screwed.edu
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
