He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
