Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Randomize
