My friends, they love my intelligence
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize