just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
