Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
