theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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