a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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