how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
