You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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