guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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