The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
