The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
