Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
