shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
