Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
