hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Couch. On fire.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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