i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
