So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
