Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
