there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
