I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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