I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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