dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Randomize
