Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
...so i touched it.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
