one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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