help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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