and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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