nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
