got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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