he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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