paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My pussy is not your playground.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
