So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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