i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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