but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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