My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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