What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
