He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
