my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
