i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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