Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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