so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
