Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
