"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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