I'd wear matching sweaters with you
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
