I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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