the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
