it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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